What the $@#% is up with comics!

Von’s Comics in no way endorses the following rant. It is a matter of opinion – however dumb it may be.

An EDITORIAL(that means opinions abound, kids) by the man with a fake leg, a tapeworm, and hairy pinna.

Hey everybody what’s up with comics? Well number one, DC is being stupid. I imagine their executive decision making process going something like this:

“Let’s give the guy who made Preacher, one of the best books in our entire Vertigo line, free reign in the adult-oriented arena of our Wildstorm imprint and let’s see what he can do.”

“Ok, sir, but don’t you think there’s a chance he could turn in something we couldn’t print?”

“PREACHER!”

“Yes sir.”

After the first couple of issues of The Boys have been released….

“O. MY. GOD. what was I thinking. Why didn’t anyone stop me. This is terrible.”

“What’s wrong sir? The book is selling quite well and there have only been few extreme things in the book so far. Like you said nothing much compared to Preacher.”

“But he’s making fun (sniff) of (sniff) our top tier supeheroes whose books continue to fail with their late schedules and shoddy writing.”

“Mr. Ennis’ hatred for the tights wearing crowd is quite well documented, sir.”

“Cancel it. We can’t afford someone to be making &%$# and fart jokes of our big name properties in the middle of our line wide relaunch period, especially if they’re in our own company. It might appear we have an actual sense of humor. We are in a serious business of telling stories about grown men and women dressing up in outfits tighter than humanly possible with bodily proportions which are equally preposterous. God forbid we poke fun at this hallowed tradition.”

“Anything else, sir?”

“Make sure Marvel can’t get ahold of it. They might actually know what to do with such a lucrative and creative property.”

What is Marvel doing? Good question. I assume some of you reading this have read the MODOK blog and probably keep up with Marvel’s many posts on Newsarama, the New Joe Fridays Video from last week is hilarious. Weekly interaction with the fanbase? GASP! Ability to poke fun at themselves! WHA? Treating Garth Ennis with the respect a writer of his caliber deserves? OH NOS!

The market share used to be pretty even between the big two but now Marvel’s overshadows DC’s by a few very important percentage points. No one wants to see DC in this state. Hey the stuff that they got that’s good is great: Countdown(Seriously, try it), Green Arrow(soon to be canceled and relaunched), JSA and JLA (the lightning saga is a bit cornfusing tho).

They just need to be smarter. Put some pressure on the teams to get the A-list books out on time. Someone get the #@%$ to roll up a newspaper and hit Morrison on the nose and say, “Enough of this crap, write a good *&%#@!% Batman story!” Someone wake Donner and Johns up and tell them to get to work! Tell Dini he has to write Detective all the time! Tell Heinberg you want the script for the Wonder Woman Annual yesterday! Most importantly, don’t give your creators a playground and then $#!^ in their sandbox like a retarded cat!

You want an example of the kind of stuff DC should be doing with their big superheroes? Go pick up Invincible. They even have a $1.99 issue coming out this Wednesday which is going to be a perfect jumping on point for new readers.

There’s my plug. Listen to it!

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